10/23/24. phasmophobia
uurgghhghggfghhhh. auyhghhhh. i don't think i forgive people too easily. even though all my friends would say the opposite
a girl i used to know transferred into my class today and sat next to me and i almost didn't remember her. saying that is funny considering what i wrote about yesterday and i did get incredibly stressed as soon as i heard her name and realized i forgot but. i dunno i think half the issue is that after she chased people around with plastic knives, had to be escorted out of class by security guards for causing a scene & made me have a mental breakdown by claiming the end of the world was coming and i was some guy with a different name who killed my brother caesar 2 years ago, i wrongly assumed that maybe she would be changing schools for good and i wouldn't see her again. i did NOT assume that she would be sitting in my usual seat in my history class on some wednesday. she seemed shocked that i didn't remember her, just kept on apologizing when she saw the look of realization on my face after saying her name, and that interaction will not get out of my head.
if i wanted to avoid thinking too deeply about anything i would say some shit about typology here, blah blah blah EII easily forgiving whatever whatever but. really i'm constantly in an internal debate over whether the reason i forgive so easily is just because of my horrible memory or what. i don't think it is.
i've always been drawn to the origins of things. i love languages and etymology and evolution and the universe. i used to be (and still am) fascinated with the idea that something could just be created from nothing and never stop evolving from there, that there are so many things in the world that are only made real by convention and the arbitrary meanings we've prescribed to them. it's beautiful and insane to me. i loved the dictionary of obscure sorrows, not for the words themselves but for the fact that someone decided they meant something, wanted them to mean something, and suddenly they did. every word was created from nothing once, and its usage has changed and will continue to change long after i'm gone.
the word nice came from the Latin word nescius, meaning ignorant. i like that in language, words can be created and recreated and change over time. any word can become something new no matter what it means now, no matter how long it's had this meaning. i guess the idealist part of me really wants to believe humans are like this too. not everyone will ever improve, and i certainly don't think anyone else is obligated to forgive them for their past actions, but i think anyone can choose to make an effort to become a better person than they were the day before. so yes, sure, i forgive easily. i think most people deserve someone believing that they can become something from nothing. i think the girl in my class deserves someone believing that she's changed. i don't think that's too easily at all really. ill gladly get hurt over and over if it means i can give someone that
10/22/24. athazagoraphobia
decided to work on this page again after a little. mostly need something to keep my mind occupied considering.. the recent horrors
my fear of forgetting important things has gotten worse lately. mostly because of the realization i had today that my ex(? if i can even call him that) doesn't know the date that the self-titled "Incident" between us happened. she said it was the 15th of january, but when i went through my photos today looking for old screenshots i found out it was actually the night of the 17th/18th. i don't know what emotions i have about that exactly but it's kind of really fucking me up to keep thinking about. i remember crying once because she told me that she'd always be there to remind me of things in case i forgot them, and yet somehow i'm not so sure of either part of that statement anymore.
it's hard to comprehend that the person who had comforted me so much in that moment is also the person who told me he liked seeing me scared, the person that acted so casually uncaring to me just days ago. i don't know if it's a personal fault of mine or some sort of insane cognitive dissonance on his part; i don't even know which would hurt less to believe. at least if it's somehow my fault, if i did something wrong without realizing, then i can keep believing that he isn't just needlessly cruel
i feel like i'm being too pessimistic here. should i be pessimistic? i wish i could write something about how in love with life i am, how i look forward to the small things: the warmth of the sunlight filtering in through the windows on my skin, seeing my favorite large crimson tree on my way to school every morning. but the truth is i only ever see that tree through my car window. i feel like an observer in every way, like i'll only ever see everything beautiful everyone else has so easily from a distance, and then it'll be over and i'll forget everything about it and how pretty it was when the leaves would whistle and shake in the wind. idk this whole diary thing feels fake deep a bit